▶ Your Answer :
안녕하세요? 저도 잘 못하지만 도움을 주고 받으면 좋은 것 같다는 생각으로 작은 의견을 드립니다. ^^ 파이팅입니다! :)
According to the author’s argument, the sales rate of Whirlwind video games should increase because the company introduced several games that features lifelike graphics, which inquire up to date computer and they focus on advertising campaign directed at people from ten to twenty-five years old. But However, the writer makes several inaccurate analysies to prove increasing rate of sales in video games.
First, the author insists that the sales rate will increase because they release lifelike graphics game to market, which is preferred to people. However, this advertisement strategy can’t confirm the generating of profits in Whirlwind video game company.(<-- 이 라인은 본 paragraph 의 큰 주제와 어울리지 않는 것 같습니다. 이 paragraph 에서는 up to date computer 소지 여부가 main argument 이신것 같아서요. ^^;) The author didn’t mention about how many people who are interesting in games have up to date computer. Actually, the customer who has up to date computer only can afford to such games that the company introduce. (<-- 이 문장을 조금 modify 하셔서 본 paragraph 의 topic sentence 로 하시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. ^^; ) Therefore the sales of the Whirlwind video games will not guaranteed.
Also, the author thinks that the concentrating of advertisement around the age of 10 to 25-years old will guarantee the profits of Whirlwind video games company. But this anticipation neglect important factor that affects sales profit. If people around 10 to 25-years old don’t have enough ability to afford lifelike features’ games, the company’s profits will not be generated. To empower the author’s insist, the basic information about how many people have financial ability to afford the game should be supplied.
In sum, the author has not been accurate to supply right evidence to support his insist about profits reverse in Whildwind game company. Without more prudent analyzing survey and company’s advertisement strategy, he is unlikely to convince his readers with accurate. (paragraph 2 와 3 의 핵심내용 - 컴퓨터와 게임을 살 경제적 능력이 안되는 고객들이 많아서 아마 장사가 잘 안 될 것이다 - 를 정리하셔서 다시한번 wrap up 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. advertisement strategy 에 대한 언급은 조금 불필요해 보입니다. 본론에서도 크게 다루지 않으셨기 때문에요. ^^;) |