Your Answer ▼
It is true that some
people worry about the elderly workers because they may cause dangerous
situations. Although there are some disadvantages, I agree with the idea that
old people need to keep their job to maintain their lives.
To begin with, there
are some people arguing that, in some workplaces, the older adults might be a
dangerous person. To be more precise, due to their deteriorated health, the old
people who work at a bus or a taxi company can bring about severe dangers when
they neglect their health problems. 표시한 내용은 '사례'에 해당하는 내용이므로 주장을 일반화하는 내용으로 활용하기에는 부적절합니다. 나이가 많은 사람이 계속 일하는 것이 왜 위험을 초래하는지 더 포괄적인 범위에서, '왜/누구에게/어떻게' 안 좋다는 것인지를 분명히 설명해주세요. For example, in Japan, a taxi driver aged
around 60 suddenly had a heart attack while taking on passengers on the road,
which eventually resulted results in an awful car accident in which many people were
died and got injured. However, even though the seniors sometimes cause dangers
situations in the work environment, I personally agree with the idea that they
have to work as long as they can do. 맥락이 달라지는 부분이므로 새 문단에 포함시키는 편이 자연스러울 것 같아요.
Firstly, continuing
to work working in old age is inevitable to the elderly to retain their life. Since
the average life expectancy is getting older significantly than a couple of
decades ago, now they need to keep their financial capacity for the rest of their
life. Moreover, the workplaces give them a sense of belonging, appreciating
they are still someone who can engage in the society, which also allows them to
get rid of their depression remarkably. For instance, in Korea, as the number
of the seniors is going up exponentially, the depressed emotion due to the
financial burdens and disappointments is also becoming a serious problem
nationally. 정부가 시행해야 한다는 내용은 사실상 불필요한 주장입니다. 정부가 이렇게이렇게 해야 한다는 내용으로 연결하는 게 아니라 이러한 상황에서 일 자체가 활력을 줄 수 있다는 점을 설명해서 노년기에 일을 하는 것을 긍정적으로 보는 내 입장과 연결해주세요. Thus, for minimising these issues, the government has implemented
the policies for the old people and has helped them get or keep their job as
long as possible.
In conclusion, even
though there are some risks to continue to work in old age, I believe that
there are more benefits: contribution to the enhancement of the seniors' lives
and reduction to the depression from financial emotional baggage and disappointment. |