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It is common belief that part time jobs should
be encouraged because can teach students about the virtues required to succeed, which therefore should be encouraged.
However, there are more persuasive arguments that students have to focus on
study instead of doing part time jobs because combining studying with working makes students exhausted.
In case of students who do part time jobs
with their study, they can learn many things from it. They can meet lots of
various people from young to old, from the poor to the rich. Through that
process, they can learn what they can’t in school. For example, if they do work
related to service, they could learn how to treat people and learn from them while
they have a conversation converse with them. 다양한 사람들을 만나는 것이 정확히 학교에서 배울 수 없는 '무엇'을 배우게 해준다는 것인지 명확히 설명해주세요.
However, to combine work with study makes
students exhausted and weary. Since doing a part time job requires people lots of
energy and time, students can’t focus 100 percent on their study. For instant, in
one study reveals that students who only do study get more higher scores than those who have part time jobs. do all things. 문단의 요지를 분명히 해주세요. 학업에 방해가 된다는 점이 핵심내용이므로 이 내용을 먼저 설명하고, part-time job을 가지면 이러이러해서 충분히 공부에 집중할 수 없다, 이것은 이러이러하기 때문에 큰 단점이라 할 수 있다, 하는 식으로 내용을 더 보완해서 나의 입장을 피력해주는 단계들이 필요합니다.
To sum up, while it has advantages to encourage for teenagers to get part-time jobs to students, it has more outweighing outweighed disadvantages that it
makes disturbs students can’t from focusing focus on their study and makes them weary.
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