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방금전에 첨삭한 글이....저장안되고 날라가버렸네요.. 속상하네요..
다음번에 문법적인거 다시 첨삭해드릴께요, 제가 시간이 없어서 다시하기에는 촉박해서 일단 논리적인 전개부분 언급할께요.
It has been for a significantly long time for people to watch television along with technologic advances. During that period and still now, television has obviously affected on people's life style. I have an idea that TV has huge effects on the development of our society optimistically.
To begin with, television is the most convinent but smartest equipment in houses. 똑똑한게 우리의 삶에 어떻게 긍정적으로 영향을 미쳤는지 언급해주시는게 좋을 것 같아요. 즉 문화적인 측면에서 어떻게? 더 쉽게 영향을 미쳤나요??It has various choices to watch;channel so that people don't need to go to theater and pay additional fee to get cultural activities as well. In couch, by using a tiny black right-angled tetragon attached lots of keys, people can select what they want and enjoy the cultural activities with well-edited videos.
Secondly, it improves the quality of society. All people who has TV which is whether small or big screen, can approch and get various information evenly everyday. It is important when thinking of equailty and then it can make the society smart. This trend will be getting more developing technologies, more preval!ent.
이 문단에서는 정확하게 이유가 뒷받침되어졌다 보기힘들어요. 어떻게 사회의 질을 향상시켰을까요? 다양한 정보를 공유할 수 있는데, 이게 평등성에 영향을 미쳤나요? 어떤 측면에서?? 결국엔 사회발전에 기여를 했나요? 어떤 면에 기여를 했나요?? 명확하게 밝혀주세요.
On the other hand, television might cause the side-effects such as TV addiction or violence due to some bad and low quality programs. We cannot avoid it when growing the society because producers who make television programs have to consider satisfying everybody who has different tasties.
왜 side effects에 대해 언급하시나요?? [본론]에서는 주장을 뒷받침하는 내용이 주를 이루는게 좋습니다.
텔레비젼이 사회에 미친 긍정적인!!영향에 대한 글이 나와야하는데 갑자기 부작용이 나오면, 글의 문맥적 흐름이 혼동스럽겠지요? 그래도 쓰고 싶으시다면 본론보다는 서론 또는 결론에서 짧게, 요약적으로 (이런 측면도 있다)식으로 언급해주시는게 더 좋을 듯 싶어요.
In conclusion, even television development has bad points but we should not overlook the power of cultural influences. I believe it is also helpful to mature the society positively and hopefully. It is the easiest and the simpliest way to make society not only advancing cultural parts but sharing good and usuful information.
각 문단의 핵심에 형광을 표시해보았습니다. 혹시 이렇게 보시는게 글을 다시한번 분석하시는데 도움이 되지 않을 까 생각듭니다. ^^ |