▶ Your Answer :
Education gives great contribution to one’s success. Some people believe that parents should teach children to become good members of society while the other think children should learn from school. In my point of views, both can give significant influence to children’s characteristics and achievement. However, I think the instruction of parents play a key role in children’s development.
#보아하니, 주제가 아이 성공에는 부모가 학교보다 영향을 더 많이 끼친다라는 주제인것 같습니다. 하지만 서론에서는 결론에서 명확히 보이셨던 주제와는 다르게 clear하게 들어나지 않은 것 같습니다. 부모가 아이를 집에서 가르키는 home schooling과 school 교육에 대한 장단점 분석이 이 글의 주장으로 서술되어져 있습니다. 서론, 결론의 주장서술을 좀더 일관성 있게 표현하시면 더욱더 좋은 글이 될 것 같습니다.
At school, children can receive lectures from teachers, which build up their knowledge and views of life. Beside of learning from lectures, they can study from their class mates or they can access libraries where there are thousands of books for their self study. Through school activities such as picnics, children can interact with multi-culture background friends and at the same time they can study in an open environment at the same time. As the result of this, children can learn better in school with great motivation and competition because they know where they are in level of study and what they should do for better lives life by seeing other’s lives life and learn from other people's success. However, school cannot give personal advice and everyday care to children like the way their parents can do.
#주장과 상반되는 입장을 자세히 서술하셨습니다. 하지만 이 문단의 마지막 두줄에 사용하신 대조를 문단 전반적으로 끌고 올라오셔서 주장을 구체적으로 support하게끔 만드시는 것이 좋을 듯 합니다.
I personally believe children receive significant influence from their parents because children always give the highest love to their parents who gave birth and raise them. Parents can advise children whenever they need since children have everyday meeting socialization with parents. By this way, parents can supervise how their children grow up and give them personal direction which leads their children to become good members of society. Children can be prevented from making mistakes from the instruction of their parents. Even when children study in the school, parents can always take care of them by advising them how to avoid some criminals, for example: sexual violation, race discrimination or action aggression.
In conclusion, parents are main factors for their children’s success because parents can give them personal comments, advices which lead them to be great successful people. |