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There has been a growing debate over whether
the huge amount of money sports stars are earning is justifiable. Admittedly,
the absolutely great deal of money may seem excessive in a sense that sports
professionals do not offer many contributions to our society, compared to other
professionals. However, the compensation that sports stars are receiving is
well worth it due to marketing effects.
Some people
argue that professionals in sports field receive too much compensation. For
example, a famous football player may earn millions of dollars, although he is
not the most famous and valuable player. On the other hand, an award-winning
scholar at a prestigious university may receive 200,000 dollars. They claim
that famous sports players get the excessive compensation for the sole reason
that they have excellent physical abilities, which are not much helpful for
improving our society. (Lack of logic, This sentence is too subjective, since sports players not only have its excellent physical abilities but also talent and efforts)On the other hand, experts in many other fields such as
computer science, psychology, and economics actually offer some contributions,
which change the policies and technologies.(YOU HAVE TO SPECIFY "SOME CONTRIBUTIONS", not just saying " change the policies and techs", it is not persuasive enough) In this sense, sports stars receive
too much( too much is too vague, better say " overwhelmed amount of) money.
Famous : repetitive words x 위 페러그랩은 없지않아 억지스러운 부분이 있고, 로직이 맞지 않습니다. 로직이 맞지 않는다는 말은 채점자를 납득시키기에 충분치 못하다는 말입니다.
Nevertheless,
other people asserts that professionals in sports deserve the high
compensation. Although they might not offer a(they: plural,) direct contributions that improves
our society, they have made much efforts to achieve world records. In addition,
not all professionals earn the huge amount of money.(두문장이 이어지지 않습니다, 그리고 professionals라는 말이 계속 반복됩니다.) Less than one percent of
all sports professionals earn millions of dollars, while others may only subsist
with their compensation. 2paragraphes 모두 눈에 띄는 grammar mistake은 없으나, 같이 단어가 반복되고 logic이 부족합니다. 브레인 스토밍을 더 구체적으로 하세요(ex. 내 주장-- generalisation---example----my argument agin_)
In my opinion,
the latter opinion that sports stars deserve the huge money is more convincing
than the former opinion. When we consider the impacts, which the sports stars
have on people, companies are likely to support some sports in which many
people are interested. This is because people pay attention to what sports
stars wear and use and follow them, so giving free instruments with a great
deal of money to famous sports stars could be an efficient way of marketing. In
contrast, experts in other fields cannot do the same thing.(Are you sure? This is not convincing, too subjective) Therefore, sports
stars deserve the huge compensation. |