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It is true that with the globalization becoming, emphasizing(globalisation becoming the importance~~는 말이 되지 않죠? emphasising만 쓰면 됩니다) the importance of a second foreign language has been a common scene in our society. Some professionals claim that younger age is beneficial for children to learn a foreign language. However, others claim that it brings negative impacts.(일반적으로, 이렇게 많이 쓰지만 이렇게 쓰면 높은 점수를 받기가 어렵습니다. Some professionals claim that younger aged children can learn a foreign language in a easier way than older aged children 와 같이 쓰면 내가 말하고자하는 바가 확실한데 지금 쓴것만 봤을때는 sentence가 주는 의미가 weak 합니다. 그리고 however, others claim that it brings negative impacts? 이 문장을 의미가 없습니다. 아무 의미 없는 문장을 쓸 필요가 없습니다. , whereas others argue that it rather brings negative impacts on learning language: 어디에 negative impacts이 오는지 써줘야 합니다.)
On the one hand, (introduction다음에 이런말이 들어올 수 없습니다. ) Some argue that early education might promotes (inappropriate words)lead children to be more confused and (verb가 빠졌습니다)under stress. That is to say, the period of primary school plays vital role to them, since this is process of building their characters and developing their personalities. (문장이 어색합니다. If I were you, I will write like this; Some argue that early education might lead children to study under the great stress. To explain, primary school plays the vital role, as children, in this period, dream about their future~~~ ) Also, a language is directly related to culture(앞 문장과 연결되지 않습니다, lack of logic), which if school try to hold down both language classes at the same time, it results in suffering identity crisis(?) for their students. As it is, most second-generation koreans(앞 문장이랑 연결이 안됩니다. 앞 문장과 연결이 되어야 주장이 납득이 갑니다. koreans으로 한정지은 이유가 있을까요?) find that it is more likely to be difficult to establish their identity. On the other hand, others say that acquiring(not acquiring, learning) a second language at primary school makes children adjust it quicker in a short term. This is because children’s ability to think tend to be more flexible than which of adults that. For instance, my younger cousin took only a year to master her English skill to some extend despite fewer education, while her old brother who is high school student spent 3 years on learning it. In addition, early language education can save students’ time and energy.(앞문장과 충분히 이어질 수 있는 내용인데, in addition을 쓴 이유가 있을까요? in this regard가 더 적절합니다.) In other words, there is relatively not enough time for students who are getting older to focus on a foreign language due to many works to do rather than primary students. Not only that, young children have less sense of rejection about learning new things(don't use things in academic essays, too vague) and experiences. Therefore, they are more open-minded and less pressure, which encourage them to absorb their language capacity more efficiently. off topic이 되지 않게 한번더 clarify해줘야 합니다.
In conclusion, there seems to be more benefits than drawbacks: It is early education about a foreign language that is more useful in a long-term perspective. |