Your Answer ▼ It is a common belief that it is not necessary to teach art and music at school. However, I firmly believe that the subjects like art and music have to be taught to students in their curriculum at school. To begin with, schools have a duty to teach students things to develop their essential ability. Students could be inspired by many things and art and music could be one of them. Unless students should do not learn art and music at school, they must look should looking for academies to learn learning them. It would become another economic burden for their parents as well. 앞부분에서는 학생들의 필수 능력을 기르기 위해서 필요하다는 내용을 서술했는데, 뒷부분에서는 경제적 부담을 이유로 학교에서 의무로 가르쳐야 한다는 내용을 연결하고 있기 때문에 일관성이 맞지 않습니다. 아이들에게 '왜' 의무적으로 예술수업이 필요한지에 대한 설명으로 내용을 구성해주세요. According to a recently children develop research, students who learned art and music at school show more emotional development and steadiness. On top of that, Iit is more likely possible that students who learned these subjects at school indicate more academic achievements because various activities such as art and work stimulate their brain. In their academic aspects, it could help for children to improve totally shapes. improve shapes totally가 의미하는 바가 모호한 것 같아요. 전하고자 하는 내용에 맞게 좀 더 표현을 정확히 활용해주는 편이 좋습니다. For example, many case studies compared with between students who learned art and music in their youth and the opposite case. Consequently, Learned the former students have got a better score in their academic fields than other cases. 단순히 뇌를 자극한다는 설명만으로는 부족해요. 어떤 면에서 지능을 골고루 발달시키는 것이 academic achievement에 도움을 주는지를 구체적으로 설명해줄 필요가 있어 보여요. To sum up, learning art and music in their youth at school could help children to develop their emotional levels and improve their academic work. For these reasons, school should teach students art and music activity. |