Value of Wisdom
Wisdom is more valued than bravery. For instance, the history mostly remembers skilled leaders, not the soldiers who fought intrepidly in the war. But this doesn’t mean that wisdom is better than bravery. However, by with wisdom, one can save many people.
Wisdom saves many people’s lives. On June 25th, 1950, a war broke out between North Korea and South Korea. At this time, South Koreans kept losing and retreating. They retreated until they lost Pusan. (부산 뒤에 세미콜른 ; 넣고 짧게 설명 해주세요. 예를들어 도시중 하나. 라던가.) Many South Koreans died. (그리고 mass casualty 도 붙여주세요) But General MacArthur thought of getting into Inchon by the sea. This plan succeeded and recovered most of the lands (territories) back. (And most of all, people didn’t need to die anymore.) If General MacArthur couldn’t think of the plan, South Koreans could have gotten slaughtered.
Wisdom can also save people’ lives indirectly, too. For instance, in the early 1900s, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, the 32nd President of America, (콤마 찍는거 잊지마세요) saved the American economy of America by (by 동사ing + New Deal) New Deal. This economic reform helped people get jobs. This lowered the unemployment rate. (한문장으로 합쳐도 괜찮아요) The economy also grew rapidly since the economic crisis. It helped the poors get enough money (for living) and they could be were well fed. Without this campaign, millions of Americans would have suffered from hunger/poverty. had to suffer.
(마지막 문장은 순서를 바꿔서 millions of Americans would have ~ without this change/ (근데 campaign 은 별로 suitable 하지 않은 단어같아요^^))
While these people’s wisdom greatly save many people’s others' lives, bravery has a limited effect. (being brave? 용기가 limited effect 가 있다는것은 좀 말이 안되고 어색하네요..^^) It is because people who need bravery aren’t the leaders. Leaders only need to make decisions; it isn’t necessary (it is unneccessary for them) to take (take actions) parts of the plan. However, intrepid soldiers can (should obey/take the order/command from ~) only take parts of the general’s plans. They can’t possibly refuse to be in the plans. Their only choice to save (to save WHAT? WHO?) is to save their fellow soldiers, which is limited.
History tells you emphasizes that wisdom is more powerful than bravery. Soldiers who saved save their fellow soldiers aren’t remembered as well as the competent leaders. But this doesn’t mean that wisdom is better than bravery. If MacArthur’s soldiers didn’t fought bravely, South Korea (오늘날의 south korea 가 없었을것이다. 가 더 나은것같네요^^) would have lost. Wisdom and bravery have to coexist. However, if they do, both coexist, wisdom becomes more powerful. Therefore, wisdom is more effective if there is bravery.
(같은 문장을 계속 반복하는 느낌이 있네요.^^.. 마지막 문단은 거의 똑같은 말의 반복인것같아요.
마지막 문단은 무엇을 말하려고 하는지, main idea 도 정확하지 않고.. bravery 가 더 낫다고 했다가, when it comes to saving people, wisdom 이 더 낫다고 하시고, 그 다음에 바로 bravery 가 없었다면 south korea 가 없었을것이다. 라는 직접적인 예를 들면서 bravery 를 강조하시고. 이런 패턴의 반복?^^....
그리고, 제너럴 맥아더가 인천상륙작전을 했다는 것에 대해서, 맞서 싸운것은 bravery 로 간주될수 있지만, 어떤 부분이 wisdom 인지 잘 모르겠네요. 우리가 그 작전이 뭔지 아니까 이해한다고 해서, 채점자들도 그냥 알고 넘어갈거라고 생각하지마시고, 좀더 자세하게 그 부분을 설명해주세요^^. 또, 뒤에 뉴 딜 정책도 그렇구요!
뉴딜 정책이 poverty 에 있던 사람들을 많이 구하고, 실업률을 낮추는데 기여했지만, 그게 "어떻게" wisdom 인지!
사실 saving people 하는데는 soldiers 의 bravery가 가장 중요하다고 생각될수도 있습니다. 그러니, 어떤 면에서 bravery 보다 wisdom 이 간접/직접적으로 save people 하는지 확실히 적어주세요^^!
그리고.. 문법에서, 문장은 And, But, Because (Because of ~ 제외하고) 로 문장을 시작하지 않습니다..^^
또, formal essay 에서는 특정한 place, 이름 이나 고유명사를 describe 할때를 제외하고는 didn't, can't, isn't 이렇게 불필요하게 apostrophe 를 쓰지 않습니다. 모두 did not, cannot, do not, is not 으로 고쳐주세요!)
아직 25분은 벅차서 40분으로 했습니다.